Friday, 26 October 2012


Here we go.

In my first not-Amnesia adventure, I'll be setting an end to global terror, preferably without being spotted, in my attempt to clock a game I barely scratched the first time round. Surely there will be bombs, nay, NUKES, foreigners with big angry face muscles, mysterious figure heads who smoke massive cigars, fast cars, and lady spies failing to cover up their undergarments. LETS ROCK!

First things first, let's get the rules set up. As is the standard, games have to be set on hard, and there is only one life. This truly will represent the average odds of one man, single handedly being able to topple a global terror network, and still managing to walk away at the end (i.e. slim to zip). It's certainly not impossible, but highly unlikely. After picking the most brutal difficulty, I'm face planted with another option. As my interpretation of the rules go, (as well as my corresponding Super Spy experiment side rules) I clearly opt for the recruit setting. How can I not? I've never so much as shot a man, not on purpose at least.

By recruit, I hope that horrendous soul patch, preened mug, and stylish goggles are not a requirement of the setting. However, thinking on my feet is exactly how I'll be playing, as I haven't a clue how this game works as it's been over a year since I last dabbled with it. What is slightly more worrying is that a junior agent would be selected for anything even remotely resembling critical urgency, unless.....I HAVE AMNESIA, and must relearn my skills! Urgh, Amnesia *shudder*.

The intro sets things up nicely, by which I mean invisible people fondling a big bomb in the desert, preferably hoping to make some faceless innocents late for work. A plane, taking off from an undisclosed location, runs foul of the invisible rapscallions soon enough, with a lovely nose cone view from a ruddy large widow-maker.

I hope that thing is guided, as from first glance that's a terrible shot.


Scratch that, it's cool.
I already like where this is going. Within a matter of seconds, the terror has increased by a factor of five, and I haven't even reached the character creator yet! I don't think I need to elaborate further on this scene, as there are FIVE BOMBS NOW, and that plane doesn't have the dodge stats needed to avoid such a calamity, so I'll summarize: BOOM!

Thankfully, Bruce Lee walked away unscathed.
Starting with a random act of violence is not only a staple of the genre (I assume I'm seconds away from a "who could have done such a thing?!" line) but it gears me up with motivation to get my swagger into gear and bust some heads. Speaking of swagger, WEEEEE there I am!


Mystery man smoking a cigar! Mystery man smoking a cigar! This game has it all, and it's checking features off the list at a rate of knots. At this speed, I'll have this nutter clocked in no time! There is some twaddle about this perhaps being the end of the game, and I've come home to roost, or clean house, or whatever the spy lingo for "ah crap it was my boss the whole time!". I should probably be paying more attention as this kind of exposition tends to be important, but I'm already planning what side to part my red hair on in the character screen, so until then, stub it out suit guy, there's a spy to forge!

......... O_o
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BULLSHIT! Who the hell is that?! I'm getting button prompts, and a free camera, and I appear to be in some kind of GAME MODE as opposed to dressing a manequin that slightly resembled myself in silly beards and hats! There must be a character creator, this is an RPG!


There was a wholly different paragraph in place of the one you're reading now in which I descend into the depths of rage and madness. I burrowed deep into my anger, slobbering notes about the lack of inclusion of a red haired option (not all secret agents must be brooding and super handsome, they'd stick right out!). Instead, there is a game to play here, so for the sake of your time, and my sanity, I will simply make slight adjustments to screenshots from here on out. If they won't include a character creator, I'll mod one in myself, heck, Paintshop isn't that complex a program.

10,000% improvement.
Lets brush over the set up. Hospital bed, scrubs, wake up hazy, flirt with woman (inside help?) on hilariously large phone, need to escape. Being a stealth player by default, whilst also remembering my characters lack of experience in the field (and lack of red ha......drop it) I select the appropriate solution to my incarceration.


According to the complex RPG maths that go on underneath the surface, ones which I won't even begin to try and interpret, the action I choose to pursue seemingly created noise, which led to lots of flashing lights and much commotion. What happened next, was almost the end of the entire article, and the three month gap in posts on this blog written by myself as I mentally prepared for my Amnesia walk through. I know we wanted the challenge to be hard, but I may have set my sights a little too high in this first test, resulting in almost complete failure after a mere 0:37 of game time.

I feel the best way to aptly show the result of my inappropriate use of a dousing tool, is through the medium of a pictograph. The key factor to bare in mind whilst reviewing said material, is to note that I was cooing at the motion blur effects, when I should have been reading the on screen prompt informing me which button was assigned to 'attack'. This led to some issues:

Hmm, this may not have been the conspicuous approach I intended

A guy! And judging by those evil shades, he's not a member of the fire department.
I allow him to approach to a reasonably safe distance whilst I fumble to recall the attack key

ABORT! ABORT! Need time to think!

After several seconds of rather embarrassing pursuit, I was cornered

OW! STOP! This is going to be the shortest write up.....AH HA! ITS 'E' !

E,E,E,E,E,E,E,E,E,E!!! *thud*

Hero Pose
So there we have it. Stood in the first room (well, second if you count the glass as a wall), I find myself with 35% health, a body in clear sight, alarm bells ringing in my ears, and a rather elementary grasp on the control set up. Look out global douche-balls, you just woke a sleeping giant!

Conclusion: Who the fuck assigns 'E' to basic attack?!

More to follow (provided I find the 'open door' button) in Part 2!